I’m back! WE are back!! Still a little jet lagged though. Waking up at wee hours of the morning not knowing what to do.
Anyway as soon as we are back I was burdened with some domestic issues that weighed me down heavily. I felt disappointment, anger and helplessness all lumped together. Even a little hatred. There was so much negativity in me that I couldn’t breathe. Oh, it has nothing to do with my immediate family so ee fann and the kiddos are fine.. I didn’t know what to do, how to react or how to feel better. I needed space. I needed some down time. Believe it or not, when I told my 4 year old that mummy is not feeling very happy about certain things. She said, word for word “mummy, sometimes it’s ok to feel angry. Then u will feel better later.” (I think she recalled a book we read together about emotions.)
I felt that it is perfectly ok to let my kids know that mummy is not perfect. I’m only human and I too feel upset at times too. I don’t feel vulnerable admitting it in fact, as you can see, she in turn gave me strength. Not that I’m expecting strength from her. It’s just that I’m not happy and couldn’t act like I am so I needed to let my sensitive girl know that it’s not her fault. I did not tell her what happened as it involved someone that I want her to be respectful of no matter what. But I did tell zi ern what happened. (Evil grin). I ranted to her in the car when I was alone with her and I felt better almost immediately. So I decided that I couldn’t change the way things happened and couldn’t change the way others handle certain things but if its in my capacity to “right the wrong” without hurting anyone, and in the process of doing so; make me feel better, I will do it. So yes, I’m feeling more at ease with myself after reaching a decision. And if that doesn’t make me feel better, this will:
This morning as I was getting ready to send ern to school she seemed so busy in the other room. Instead of getting ready, wearing her shoes, she kept “disappearing”. I was getting a little impatient… When I went to look for her, there she was finishing up her masterpiece and said to me “mummy hearts for you! Now you will be so happy!” My heart sank. I wanted to cry. Then I remembered the quote “when there is LOVE, there is ALWAYS time.” We hugged and kissed.
I have my girls. I don’t need anything else. (Oh and of coz a supporting husband is part of the package too. See the hearts? It represents ee fann, me, zi ern and herself – Rou ern.)
For the rest of the year, I pray for clarity of mind and patience.
To end this post, I hope that when you meet some obstacles you will too find a way around it. May strength be with you.